poems

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

True love

Dear true love, I thought it would be easy to find you. I thought if you wanted something bad enough you could get it. I guess you don't work that way. I spent my whole life running from you because I never thought I could allow someone so close into my heart. I thought that I would never want or seek for another, I was fine with myself. One day it hit me... I was alone and there could be a huge chance that I may never find you true love... I not talking about that easy love that everyone can get. I am talking about that rare unspoken love, that people search their whole life for. you know the love that feeds your soul, better yet the love that's worth living for. It's funny I don't even know you love, but I still miss you. I know there is a part of me is incomplete and I need you to make me complete. I am not taking about the other half of me. I want a whole person. I am taking about that emotion inside that has never been touched by another. It is like my soul is waiting for this person that I have never met. A part of me wants to give up and realize that you true love don't exist... I guess I have to wait and figure out who this love person is... I hope one day we will meet, because this world is a lost place without you... So true love if we are meant to be, you will meet me, and we will love each other unconditionally

settling

I never would of thought that I would have ever settle. I mean I use to rant and rave how I would only date a person who was on my list. It's funny as you get older you see more and more that list of yours doesn't really work in real life. I thought by the time I was 24 I would have close to a husband and things would be great. well that was a bust I just turned 24 last week and I look around and all the guys I have in my life I would never want them in my life. They are all not for me. I started looking at my list of all the qualities that I ever wanted in a person and realized I have never even gotten anything close to my list. my grandpa always use to say that the people we get in our lives are actually us, and as we grow we get a person who is more like us, and these people are here to show us the things that we need to fix about ourselves. I think over my 24 years of living that I have fixed alot about myself. But maybe God seems to think different. Anywho I realized that I stopped trying the other night I was talking to this guy that I would never talk too. he was way shorter than I liked he had a child, was getting a divorced and most of all he was unstabled. I guess I got tired of trying to find that "perfect" guy I feel like he doesn't exist and to be honest I am tired of finding out. I am tired of all of these guys that I get and I am tired of trying to weed out all the bad ones. I thought that once I reached a certain level I would be able to find that special person and we would love and grow together I guess I was dreaming and love is more survival of the fittest and I feel like I am about to get kicked off the island. I don't want to settle but I don't want to wonder if true love will ever come my way... I guess I am lost in this world of love and dying to be loved... Signing off the person who almost settled

believing in things unseen

eventhough I believe in God and all he is capable of doing I cant help but to wonder why I allow my past to spill over into the present? is my past tied with my future and future is tied with my past? I hate feeling like I am not "saved enough" or perfect enough. Like how can God love me with all I have done. I get that we all have sins and we all make mistakes, but happens when you feel like you have made too many mistakes to come back? sometimes when I look at girls that all about God and would never and have never done a bad thing in their life, I think see those poeple deserve to have a great life. They have always followed God's voice. I know for me sometimes when I heard his voice I kept doing what I wanted and let me tell you it led to straight destruction. I sit back and think I know he has let my past go but I havent. I feel like that girl who takes back her cheating boyfriend but I never really forgive him, and everytime I see him I see him cheating. well that is how I feel about myself. How can God love someone like me. I am a saint with a sinners past. I want to be able to feel like I am worthy to be in the same present as these people who have never done a bad thing i their life...How do I???,,,,,

A dark road

Have you ever been in the place where you don't know what you what want so you don't want anything. That's where I am at right now. Its funny because so many people look at my life and think that it is great don't get me wrong I am extremely blessed to be where I am in life but somehow with all the success I have achieved I forgot to forgive and fix some of the things that have caused me pain. See love and I have never really gone together very well. I chased it for so many years because I just wanted to be love. However, I had a messed up definition of love. My mom uses to chase after guys and all of the women in my family have been divorced so just imagine my idea of love. I spent a lot of time saying I wanted true love but somehow I ended up with tainted love. Over years, I met some really great guys that could have been right for me...If I was in the right state of mind.Recently, I feel like God is backing me up in a corner and making me decide what I want...I guess it's his way of telling me I need some soul searching. I know I do but I don't know where to start or what to say. when I was like 19 I wanted to be cool and go out all of the time. I did some dumb things that caused me a lifetime of pain, and looking back on it wasn't worth it. I kept telling all of these dudes that I just wasn't ready for love and blah blah.... But yet I was always chasing the bad guys the heartbreakers and boy did they take a piece of me. I remember one day when my pastor said we shouldn't do certain things because we steal from our future and I thought how dumb...You can't do that...UMMM, yeah ya can... And I did... Here is the thing, over all of the crap I once did and I turned a new leaf over but love haunts me...It follows my every move and now guys are chasing me and I find myself dodging them because I don;t want to give myself away like that again. I believe that I have loved but I don't think that I have ever been in love and that Idea scares me... I am afraid that I won't bounce back from it. So I stopped believing it, and I thought I was fine but I am missing something I have grown so much but emotionally I am still broken and I am trying to find my way home and Its dark and lonely... I wonder if I will ever make it home.

GOODBYE

This week has been a tough one for me, I decided that I was no longer allowing my cousin to be a part of my life. I know that's a tough thing to do. Don't get me wrong I love her with all of my heart but somehow she can break my heart into a million pieces. Ever since we were young she would control everything and always think that she could out do me. She just couldn't see I was just her cousin. She always felt like since I was the prettier skinnier young she felt like she needed to compete with me. It drove a wedge in our friendship. we stop talking after some time she had a baby and left her boyfriend and asked if we could try again and all I ever wanted was us to be close. This time was different we were finally adults life was going to be different. I was different I wasn't that little girl she could bully anymore and she didn't like this me and I tried to make her happy I changed how she looked allowed her to wear my clothes made her this person she always wanted and yet she always thought I wanted her unhappy. I just couldn't understand why.... So Robin.... This is my goodbye to you I can't be blamed for your wrongs, My heart can't keep breaking to fix yours. My eyes can't cry tears to make you happy... My words are left on deaf ears.. you were never alone I was always here or maybe you thought I never really was... But just know I tried beyond words and actions...

BYE....

Are you out there

I hear people all around me saying "there is a soulmate for everyone!" till this day I wonder if it is true. Is there someone for everyone? could it be true that dream guy lurks around the corner or am I dreaming a fairytail unspoken?
are you out there?
do we breath the same air?
does your fibers interwine with mine?
when God made you did he have me in mind? Or are you just a figure of my inner thoughts.
Could you love me forever flaws and all?
could you see pass the pain and shine through light?
Are you out there?
If so I hope your everything I never wanted but everything I needed.
I hope your out there

L.O.V.E.

Ever since I was young, I always thought that I would have the love that I have always dreamed about. As I got older I lost that little girl who once wanted that love. Maybe it was all the bad guys I got or maybe it was the lack of trust I had in myself or just the lack of trust I had in God. I woke up one day and I no longer yearned for love. Funny thing is I don't think I ever knew what love was... I thought for so many years love was fighting and sticking it out even if the relationship was toxic it was the fact we stayed loyal and didn't leave. I realized now that is not love, I know that with great sorrow comes great strength. I know all of the errors I have made has made me a better person But now I wanna know the real meaning of love.
L- for the LIFE i hope we share
O- for the opportunities to grow with each other instead of without each other
V- for the very deep feelings I have for you
E- for an Extraordinary Love
I know what love means I just dont know if I will ever get the chance to have it in real life.

REAL WOMEN STAND UP

I have been reading all of these love books about if I'm so great why am I single, or finding the way to loving yourself, or just getting your mind right. it had me thinking... there are so many books on love for everything and still people can not get it right, it's like it is a sin to be single or be celibate or people think your a fool if you say your waiting for the right one to come along. I believe that it is a good thing to wait for the right thing then to mess with the wrong men and find yourself in a stagnate place and hating all men and crying. NO ladies we should want something better and I don't believe that we should ever have to settle. Fat, skinny, ugly, pretty it doesn't matter, we all deserve that pure love.While I talking with my cousin who feels like she is not complete if she doesn't have a man in her life... even if the man is terrible as long as she has one. This last guy she talked to was a total buttface. he was young minded and treated her as if he didn't need her. Here is the thing, though Corey has been hooked on his ex for a while now, and my cousin still went into that mudslide. I told her to leave him alone that she would only get hurt but did she listen??? No, she went against everything I said and would you figure she got hurt. She blamed him called his ex-stupid, and all I could think of was why is he just to blame, why not blame herself???? Why do we as women always blame the man or others? why cant we take the blame for our own actions? Listening to my cousin made me realize that we live in such a messed up world. We cheat, lie and steal to get what we want and even when we do get what we want we are not happy. my cousin thinks if she can curse him out and tell him about himself he will change the problem is.... He won't change he is who he is and the battle won't be over until he wants it to be. And who are we to get angry with people because they are not ready to be committed in a relationship. we need to understand that everyone grows at their own pace, and we can't judge people for that. We also as women need to understand that we are in total control of our own lives and we need to stop blaming love, lust, the guy or whoever for our mistakes I believe that we are old enough to see that we cause our own pain...
love is optional it's not required. And I think we have forgotten that. we believe that we can change everyone as long as we put up a good fight and tolerate pain and suffering he will see that you're worth it. NOOOOOO, LADIES, he will not you look like a SUCKA. and really at the end of the day, a man wants a woman that can stand by her word and doesn't allow a man to define her who she is. WE need to start loving ourselves more than we love our partners and we need to figure out who we are and what we ant before we go on a manhunt. I believe if we are mature and open love will follow, and not that simple fighting hating love... NO, that Sweet kiss on the forehead kinda love, just to hear your voice because kind of love, and the embraced you feel when your together kind of love. WE can all have this kind of love if we change up our attitudes and start being REAL WOMEN.

self-help books

Tonight while I was on the computer, I was looking at self-help books and the reason why I was looking that these types of books was because my cousin is at place where she thinks the outer appearances will change her inner appearances, and I know all to well that even if you change your outer appearance it doesn't change who you really are under all that fake change. My cousin believes that if she looses weight she will be that IT girl and all the fellas will be after her... To some extent I can see why she says that, but on the other hand I think believing changing the outside only is dangerous because you can become addicted to the limelight that others give you, but as soon as they get pass who you are they leave you because on the inside you are broken and ugly. you stop fixing the best parts of you to fix the outer parts of you. I think we should make changes about ourselves but not to forget that our outer appearance doesn't make up who we are our or inner does, and I wish my cousin could see that... SO I decided to get her a self-help book on confidence and I hope that she decides to read it....

heartbeat

can one be really in tuned with someone's heartbeat, so in tuned that you know when something is off with them? Can we actually love someone flaws and all without wanting to change them to fit who we are?can we love someone enough to put aside all our fears? they always say when you find the one you just know... Do you? everything inside you will all agree on this person standing in front of you...but what happens down the road when you both are sitting across a table getting a divorce, does love still live in this home or did we just settle because we were unable to wait for God to send us the right one. I use to think that God made someone for everyone, but the more I look around I see a bunch of people that are empty and still loving... We breakup to hop into another relationship... Do we really know what real love is? if it is real love how can it be voided? I hope that in due time we understand what real love is and to get back to it

Acceptance

Acceptance, was a word I didn't understand. I swear for many years of my life I felt like I had to prove something to others and myself. I wouldn't let down that everyone gets love at least once in their lives...I would date and talk to all these dudes that I knew would never become anything important in my life, and somehow knowing that outcome only led me to get hurt. I always became the rule instead of the exception. It didn't matter the guy the situation always ended the same. I sit back now and think "what in the heck was I thinking" for dating some of the dudes and how I allowed them to treat me. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes we live in this box and think that if we just try and try and try that a positive outcome will occur and to be honest, sometimes it doesn't....I know that I think love is the greatest thing that one can achieve but I also know now that it is one of those things that only come if it is in the cards for the person. Now that I am at this stage I am accepting that things might turn out in love for me, and that is ok...I am tired of being the rule and I am so tired of not being enough for someone... I am enough for me, and really at the end of the day that is all that matters I need no one approval or I no longer yearn for this love from someone else...I will love me whole....So acceptance is now a word that I feel....

me

I'm starting a new phase in my life. I'm closing the door on what wasn't and what should of been, and what could of been. I'm done w/ being lost and confuse over my emotions. I'm done blaming myself for hurting you and loosing me. I'm done w/ changing myself to fit everyone but me, I can't keep dating people like you in hopes that you can see the real me.happiness starts with oneself and somewhere between the guys and all the gilts and glammer I lost it. So I'm closing the door on what could of been, and opening the door on what I want in.