A dark road

Have you ever been in the place where you don't know what you what want so you don't want anything. That's where I am at right now. Its funny because so many people look at my life and think that it is great don't get me wrong I am extremely blessed to be where I am in life but somehow with all the success I have achieved I forgot to forgive and fix some of the things that have caused me pain. See love and I have never really gone together very well. I chased it for so many years because I just wanted to be love. However, I had a messed up definition of love. My mom uses to chase after guys and all of the women in my family have been divorced so just imagine my idea of love. I spent a lot of time saying I wanted true love but somehow I ended up with tainted love. Over years, I met some really great guys that could have been right for me...If I was in the right state of mind.Recently, I feel like God is backing me up in a corner and making me decide what I want...I guess it's his way of telling me I need some soul searching. I know I do but I don't know where to start or what to say. when I was like 19 I wanted to be cool and go out all of the time. I did some dumb things that caused me a lifetime of pain, and looking back on it wasn't worth it. I kept telling all of these dudes that I just wasn't ready for love and blah blah.... But yet I was always chasing the bad guys the heartbreakers and boy did they take a piece of me. I remember one day when my pastor said we shouldn't do certain things because we steal from our future and I thought how dumb...You can't do that...UMMM, yeah ya can... And I did... Here is the thing, over all of the crap I once did and I turned a new leaf over but love haunts me...It follows my every move and now guys are chasing me and I find myself dodging them because I don;t want to give myself away like that again. I believe that I have loved but I don't think that I have ever been in love and that Idea scares me... I am afraid that I won't bounce back from it. So I stopped believing it, and I thought I was fine but I am missing something I have grown so much but emotionally I am still broken and I am trying to find my way home and Its dark and lonely... I wonder if I will ever make it home.